Remember the way I used to be Part 2
by LadyRaider
Summary: Leaving was hard, but letting go was even harder. (read part. 1 first)


Disclaimer: ALRIGHT!!!! THEY'RE NOT MINE! LEAVE ME ALONE, ALREADY!

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Letting go was so hard.   
  
She knew she had to, he was convinced that the only way to save them was to leave. There was no talking him out of it. He had made up his mind, and, damn was he stubborn.  
  
But, that didn't mean she had to like it. She had pleaded and begged as hard as she could. But, she knew that, in the end, he would still leave. All she could do was pray that he wouldn't be gone long, and that he would return to her, to both of them.   
  
She hadn't been asleep when she heard the door to her room open, and she knew almost immediately what was happening. He was leaving, but first, he was saying goodbye. Her heart went out to him, leaving had to be so hard.  
  
But, letting go was even harder.   
  
She could feel his eyes upon her, they were burning holes into her skin, she felt as if she was on fire. It took her all she had not to open her eyes, not to run up to him and smother him with hugs and passionate kisses. She knew that if she let him know she was awake, he would never be able to leave. And, although that was what she wanted, she knew he had to go. So, she laid there. And, her heart stopped when she heard him turn around.  
  
But, then he turned again, and her skin was once again burning under his gaze. She moved her position, but didn't let on that she was awake. She knew it was wrong of her, but, she wanted this to be hard for him. She was so mad at him for actually leaving, it was narcissistic and self-centered of her, but she wanted him to be with her always. They hadn't had enough time together. They had only spent 2 months together before he was taken. And, she had only just given birth to their son. They needed more time together.   
  
She could hear his footfall as he made his way to her bed, their bed. 'Keep yourself together, Dana' she told herself, 'don't let him see that you're awake.'  
  
She could feel his breath on her skin as he laid his head down on the bed and cried. She wanted to gather him up in her embrace, sooth his pain, let him know that although she was at the moment pissed off, she understood. But, though her body ached for her to do so, she didn't move. After what seemed like forever, the cries subsided, and an eerie silence once again feel upon the room. She felt his lips on her forehead, their warmth sending chills throughout her body. Then he whispered silently, "I love you…Dana."   
  
She held back the sob that was rising in her throat. 'God, Mulder!' Her mind screamed, 'don't you leave me!'   
  
There were footsteps again, this time going towards the door instead of coming from it. He was leaving. That was goodbye. She only wished she could return the favor.  
  
She could hear him in the room right next to hers, the nursery. She sat up in the bed and stared at the wall that separated the two rooms, then she stood and walked silently to that barrier, she pressed an ear against it, wanting to hear his voice again. She heard him say, "goodbye, my son." And the tears came, silent tears, tears that sting while forming in your eyes then burn your cheeks as they make their descent. But, she made no effort to wipe them away, what was the point? They would only be replaced with more tears. It was useless.   
  
The front door opened and then closed. He'd taken that last step out of the apartment, out of their lives. She only hoped one day he would return again. She left her room and went up to the door. She could feel his presence through the wood, he was still standing in the hallway. She took a peek out of the peephole, she wanted to remember when he left, though the glass distorted his beautiful image. She needed that picture of him.  
  
He picked up his bags and walked down the hallway.   
  
She walked back through the apartment, her eyes falling upon the kitchen table. There was a letter, folded in half, lying on the table just in front of his chair. She picked up the letter and walked to her couch, not trusting her legs to keep her standing. She flicked on the radio and looked out her window at the street.   
  
Mulder was still sitting in his car, she could see him yell out something and then slam his head against the wheel in frustration. 'That's right, Mulder,' she thought, 'scare all the unsuspecting tourist out of town.' A sad smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.  
  
As she watched him drive off to God knows where a song she'd heard a few times came on the radio.  
  
_You look so peaceful sleepin',  
  
You don't know that I'm leaving, but I'm gone.  
  
Well I did my best to beat 'em.  
  
But in my head, the demon said, move on.  
  
You wake up your gonna curse my name.   
  
But as some time goes by I hope and pray.  
_  
She thought about how she had pretended to be asleep. Maybe she shouldn't have been. Would it have been easier if she had told him that it was alright? Would it have been harder for him to leave her standing alone while he drove away? Was leaving the right thing to do in the first place?  
  
_When you think of me,  
  
Remember the way I used to be.  
  
Remember the times I held you, tenderly.  
  
Remember the way that I love you._  
  
Her mind traveled back to before he was taken, those two months had been so wonderful. She'd forgotten how nice it felt to wake up with somebody next to you, she had relished in the way he would drape an arm protectively around her waist, keeping her close. He was a cuddlier, not that she minded.  
  
_I think about the night I met you,  
  
I swore I'd never forget you, well I won't.  
  
I think about the way you'll live and breath,  
  
Inside my dreams forever.  
  
You'll be better when I'm gone, you'll be better when I'm gone.  
  
Cause I know you're gonna fall in love again.  
  
I'm sorry this is how it has to end._  
  
She thought about the first time she met him, she had been so green then. So full of ideas. She had no idea what she was getting herself in to. The first time she heard his voice, she was in a trance. It had a strange sort of hold over her, the smooth way he spoke, so passionate about his work, and his smile. She fell in love with him the first time she saw him smile. Dreams, they would definitely visit her, and often. She dreamed about him all the time while he was missing, albeit dreams she didn't want to experience. But, with the situation being different, she knew the dreams would, too. She thought about how he thought that by leaving, things would be better for them. How much safer they'd all be. Was that really true? If he left, were they safe? There would be no other love, of course, she'd given her heart to him long ago. There was no way she could fall in love again, she had nothing more to give. And, he would come back, he would come back.  
  
_But when you think of me, remember the way I used to be.  
  
Remember the times I held you tenderly.  
  
Remember the way that I love you.  
  
Oh, when you think of me._  
  
She looked down at the letter in her hands, was she really ready to read it? She opened it up as the next part of the song came over the radio.  
  
_As I pick up these bags and turn around,  
  
I saw a little prayer and hope somehow._  
  
It had been so hard to watch him as he left, that was probably why he hadn't waken her. He didn't want her to feel the pain, nor did he want himself to.  
  
_When you think of me, remember the way that I used to be.  
  
Remember the times I held you, tenderly.  
  
Remember the way that I love you.  
  
When you think of me, remember the way that I used to be.  
  
Remember the times I held you, tenderly.  
  
Remember the way that I love you.  
  
Oh, when you think of me, when you think of me.  
  
When you think of me, when you think of me._  
  
The song ended and she looked down at the letter. It read:  
  
**Scully,  
  
I'm sorry I had to leave this way. I couldn't let you go through that. I hope you understand.   
  
I just wanted to tell you how much I do love you. And William. I wish there was some way that I could stay, but if there is, I failed to see it.  
  
Promise me that if something happens, you'll move on. I don't want you to dwell on the past. You deserve so much more than that, so much more than me.   
  
I wish I could be there with you, watch our son grown up, and hopefully one day I will. Hopefully one day soon.   
  
I love you, Dana. Always and forever. Remember that, alright? No matter what, remember the way I love you. I'll be dreaming of you.  
  
Until we meet again,  
  
Yours always,  
  
Fox.   
  
**She closed the note and set it down on the table, and new set of tears staining her shirt, she shook despite the cover that she had covered herself with.   
  
It seemed as if she wasn't the only one upset at that moment, William started crying and she got up from her position at the window and went into his room. She smiled wearily at him, trying to bring him some form of comfort, and picked him up. She silently hummed the tune of the song she had been listening to, but William's cries only grew more desperate.  
  
"I know, sweetie." She whispered, "I miss him, too."  
  
Oh yeah, leaving had to be hard. But letting go, letting go was even harder.

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a/n: so I decided to write Scully's POV. There was just this nagging voice in the back of my head saying, 'write it!'. It was starting to annoy me. And now, now I feel much better. Lol. Anyway, let me know how I did with this, alright? 


End file.
